In Need of More

I feel like I have something to write about but I don't know what it is. I miss the real conversations I had with people back home. If leaving Olympia has done anything to me, it has been challenging my faith. Yes, there are communities here that I can try to link up with. But to try and re-establish a trust and relationship that I forged back at home seems daunting and the potential for failure is immense. I want nothing more than to have a real, deep conversation with the guys I came to know. About what, no idea. But just to be real with somebody would be quite a weight off my shoulders. It's a bit frustrating really.

Act II: The Struggle

At the beginning of the summer I was exposed to a lot of things I was not ready for. I graduated from high school and met my biological father. As I'm sure a lot of people have been told, I was told the same thing: "Everything is going to be different now." Or some other paraphrase of the idea. In my naive nature, I believed that I was ready for it. I developed what I thought to be a pretty decent relationship with the man that contributed to my existence, and lived a fun "last summer" of my life. Time was spent lop-sided to messing around with my friends rather than working and earning money or spending time with my family. It was a good summer. But the light of summer fades annually to the darker, more gloomy autumn.

College is abound nowadays and my lack of finding a job is hurting my family. Most of the costs of attending are coming straight from my parents' pockets. Parents as in my mom and step-dad, whom I have grown accustomed to calling dad. And rightfully so, he was there for me and has developed and nurtured a relationship with me. I'm not just a flavor-of-the-month kid to him. I realize now that the hope for developing a real relationship with my biological father and the expectancy of him helping to provide for a son is unrealistic for him. As much as he said he wants to be a part of my life, he can't. He can't because he's not making the right moves with his life right now. Everything is still just about him, no matter how hard he tried to act otherwise.

The realization seems to have hit my mom pretty hard. All of us were hoping for the best to come out of meeting him and attempting to begin some relationship. She believed that he had changed in the beginning only to be let down again. It hurts, thinking about it. This very moment, tears begin to form. My mom has gone through too much crap in her life to be disappointed again. I cannot even begin to try and comprehend what she is going through. Life has changed drastically since June for us. I'm off at WSU and she's still in Olympia, missing me but working daily to make it possible to be here. The complete antithesis of what my "dad" is now.

Knowing all of this makes it hard to enjoy myself here. Sure, there are laughs and good times to be had here, but at what cost? I still haven't found a job. Until I do, the monthly deposits come out of my parents' bank at home. The same bank accounts that should be providing for my sister and brother. Desperation is almost palpable in my family and in my life. More help is needed but is not emerging. People fail to mention the financial and emotional struggle of college. Maybe they should come back to reality before considering telling people how fun it is.