Hi 2010, Our First Impression Sucks

It's currently 2:44 in the morning and I'm still awake. Everyone else in my house went to sleep at ten because they have a reason to wake up early in the morning. I, however, have nothing important to wake up for or go to sleep for, for the next week. As I reflect on my weekend, I realize I just missed out on what could have been a life-changer and a kick-start to the new year.

For the first time in three-ish years, I didn't go to a church camp. Why didn't I go? Because I didn't want to. I didn't want to be surrounded by a bunch of stuff that apparently makes me uncomfortable now...WHAT?!?!...Where in the last 6 or so months did being around God make me feel uncomfortable? Did it happen as a result of the isolation in Pullman? Or was it the amount of struggle that led up to leaving in August for WSU? I just got done reading Pastor Andrew's current updates for camp. I almost want to cry because of what I know I've just skipped out on. And for what? I've done absolutely nothing important the last four days. I'm almost at the point of repulsion when I reflect on it.

But what am I going to do about this? Forget about it next weekend when I'm back in Pullman, dealing with new classes and classwork? Probably. Crappy thing to say, yes, but it's the sad truth with how I'm living my life now. How do I handle myself now that it's only three of us going back rather than four? Just more isolationism I suppose. Do these revelations bother me? Yes.

I probably missed one of the most important events at this point of my life. An opportunity for me to run back to God was passed up to remain in hiding. Pathetic.

What do I do now? Shut it out...seek someone to talk to for some insta-comfort?...Forget about it...This sucks and I know what has to happen and yet I'm hesitant to act on it. And now that it's out there I'll be getting bombarded with questions. I just want to feel connected and take baby steps again. Here's to you, 2010.