A New Start

In my efforts to become a more balanced person, I have decided to expand my writing abilities. Every professional anything; whether it be an athlete, teacher, musician, or author, will tell you that the secret to their success is immeasurable amounts of practice. Constant drilling of a task in order for it to become less mundane and more muscle memory is always a necessity to ascend the ranks of anything in life. I do not know where the spark of inspiration to write more came from. People have told me that I do it well and the subject matter of what I base my works on is very heavy stuff. As great as it is to be recognized a little for it, I have decided that only writing on how unfair everything is and whining is not fair for those who read my thoughts. For that reason, I want to see how varied and diverse my works can get.

I do not know what direction this blog is going. Topics can, and probably will, be very scatter-brained and random and be about my adventures through life, a work of fiction, ramblings, or even about video games. To be honest, I don’t really know how it will go. However, I do know that I will put effort into every piece of writing I start. Rarely will you find an unfinished piece posted. Unless I feel it is powerful enough, you will not read it--unless the subject matter calls for an incomplete product, of course. Musings over life and how to become a better person are usually accepted as ongoing works. The beauty of putting things in writing is that you can look back later in life and measure how far you have progressed.

I will try and have a new post once a week. However, I can make no promises as I have just moved to Pullman and the first semester of my second year of college is about to take off. Between balancing school-work, a job, maintaining a relationship, and a social life, I could be hard-pressed for time. With that, I welcome you…again.

Building Empires

Let's pretend that you're an architect. You're an architect with a ton of money and power. You know what, let's just say that you're a king. A beloved king to all who have adorned you with the title. And you've been building your kingdom for the last number of years. You've treated this kingdom with love, respect and mercy.

But the people you rule over tend to act out. Countless acts of slander and betrayal, secrets and lies, have left a mark over your beloved people of your kingdom. But you're so merciful that you pardon them everytime. Every assassination attempt, every swindled tax payment, every burglary and theft, you have pardoned. Do these deeds anger you? Of course they do, but you are a merciful leader. You over everything. Do you have feelings of anger and retribution towards your people? Do you want to punish every single terrible action of theirs? Do you want to destroy every wrong-doer that rears his head? Yes. Yes you do. You want to make every single person suffer for every single thing that has angered you. Burn all bridges. Show no mercy. Sever all ties to anybody that did you wrong.

At first, it seems like a great idea. Without those to anger you, your reign will be at peace. You could even start over. Start a new, better kingdom complete with that New-Kingdom smell. Yes, that's the solution. What's not to like about it? Everyone would be good again. Revere you, treat the kingdom correctly, pick up their mess and never wrong you. You prepare the fires. You ready yourself for the torrents of wrath. The power to restart is all yours, in the tip of your fingers. With one word, your servants will purge the kingdom in flame and smoke. Your lips begin to form the words necessary to begin, but you lock up.

You begin to think that the suffering you're in now is better than anything that could come from starting over. Hell, even if you do start over, who's to say that people won't revolt? What guarantee is there that leads you to believe it'll solve your problems? There is none. With that realization you call off the destruction. Bridges stay intact. The assassins, bandits and thieves remain unharmed. You walk back to your throne, defeated. A period of good comes over your kingdom. Then in one swift action, everything comes crashing down on you again. A tidal wave of remorse and hatred overcomes your being and yet you do nothing. There is nothing you can do. You thought you allowed your empire to live and thrive but the empire you so much adore is the one in control. It has you by the neck. It strangles you and you know there is a way out. But you don't seek it. Your control is a myth and you are overwhelmed with unknowing.

Your empire continues its cycle between bliss and misery. You believe you can better it, but the fear of the unknown has you in its grips, cackling maliciously.

Hi 2010, Our First Impression Sucks

It's currently 2:44 in the morning and I'm still awake. Everyone else in my house went to sleep at ten because they have a reason to wake up early in the morning. I, however, have nothing important to wake up for or go to sleep for, for the next week. As I reflect on my weekend, I realize I just missed out on what could have been a life-changer and a kick-start to the new year.

For the first time in three-ish years, I didn't go to a church camp. Why didn't I go? Because I didn't want to. I didn't want to be surrounded by a bunch of stuff that apparently makes me uncomfortable now...WHAT?!?!...Where in the last 6 or so months did being around God make me feel uncomfortable? Did it happen as a result of the isolation in Pullman? Or was it the amount of struggle that led up to leaving in August for WSU? I just got done reading Pastor Andrew's current updates for camp. I almost want to cry because of what I know I've just skipped out on. And for what? I've done absolutely nothing important the last four days. I'm almost at the point of repulsion when I reflect on it.

But what am I going to do about this? Forget about it next weekend when I'm back in Pullman, dealing with new classes and classwork? Probably. Crappy thing to say, yes, but it's the sad truth with how I'm living my life now. How do I handle myself now that it's only three of us going back rather than four? Just more isolationism I suppose. Do these revelations bother me? Yes.

I probably missed one of the most important events at this point of my life. An opportunity for me to run back to God was passed up to remain in hiding. Pathetic.

What do I do now? Shut it out...seek someone to talk to for some insta-comfort?...Forget about it...This sucks and I know what has to happen and yet I'm hesitant to act on it. And now that it's out there I'll be getting bombarded with questions. I just want to feel connected and take baby steps again. Here's to you, 2010.

Yours is Not the Plan For You

A few months ago, if you asked me what I wanted to do I'd tell you I want to go to WSU and pursue a collegiate education. Anything short of which would be a complete failure in my eyes and I would be left behind. Fast forward to now and I wish I hadn't been so ignorant. My family is working hard to try and afford this place for me and nothing is working. Everyone talks about how helpful the people at French Administration are, I've seen nothing of them for me to consider them helpful. It's always the same advice from them no matter who I see, "Oh, just apply for a private loan and things will work out." I've got news for you, it doesn't help when you get rejected for everything you apply for. Nothing has worked out. Now I'm looking at being kicked out of my dorm room because we haven't been able to pay for the last month of rent.

IT'S LIKE I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE.

As much as I wanted to be here a few months ago, I'm ready to be done. I've learned nothing from classes. I'm wasting money and time re-learning everything I learned in middle school and high school. Professors aren't helpful. People aren't worth getting to know. The "education" isn't worth twenty-thousand. I've been told that I need to "look at it in the long run." The long-run is nothing but an illusion we try to use to justify the ludicrous spending we do for another four plus years of education. This whole situation that I've put my family in isn't worth it. I've been humbled and reduced to nothing in my time in Pullman. I came here to learn that I'm not supposed to be here. It's clearly evident, as my family and I have taken all the steps necessary for anyone else to afford it. We always fall short. Why don't I just take the hint, pack my stuff up, and stay at home after I finish off the semester? It would be a lot better for everybody. I can stop trying in vain to do something I'm not supposed to be doing.

I don't know where I should be in life right now, but I do know that it's not here. I've accepted it and will have to come to terms with it later. Who knows, maybe Olympia will be my home again by the time the end of the month rolls along.

In Need of More

I feel like I have something to write about but I don't know what it is. I miss the real conversations I had with people back home. If leaving Olympia has done anything to me, it has been challenging my faith. Yes, there are communities here that I can try to link up with. But to try and re-establish a trust and relationship that I forged back at home seems daunting and the potential for failure is immense. I want nothing more than to have a real, deep conversation with the guys I came to know. About what, no idea. But just to be real with somebody would be quite a weight off my shoulders. It's a bit frustrating really.

Act II: The Struggle

At the beginning of the summer I was exposed to a lot of things I was not ready for. I graduated from high school and met my biological father. As I'm sure a lot of people have been told, I was told the same thing: "Everything is going to be different now." Or some other paraphrase of the idea. In my naive nature, I believed that I was ready for it. I developed what I thought to be a pretty decent relationship with the man that contributed to my existence, and lived a fun "last summer" of my life. Time was spent lop-sided to messing around with my friends rather than working and earning money or spending time with my family. It was a good summer. But the light of summer fades annually to the darker, more gloomy autumn.

College is abound nowadays and my lack of finding a job is hurting my family. Most of the costs of attending are coming straight from my parents' pockets. Parents as in my mom and step-dad, whom I have grown accustomed to calling dad. And rightfully so, he was there for me and has developed and nurtured a relationship with me. I'm not just a flavor-of-the-month kid to him. I realize now that the hope for developing a real relationship with my biological father and the expectancy of him helping to provide for a son is unrealistic for him. As much as he said he wants to be a part of my life, he can't. He can't because he's not making the right moves with his life right now. Everything is still just about him, no matter how hard he tried to act otherwise.

The realization seems to have hit my mom pretty hard. All of us were hoping for the best to come out of meeting him and attempting to begin some relationship. She believed that he had changed in the beginning only to be let down again. It hurts, thinking about it. This very moment, tears begin to form. My mom has gone through too much crap in her life to be disappointed again. I cannot even begin to try and comprehend what she is going through. Life has changed drastically since June for us. I'm off at WSU and she's still in Olympia, missing me but working daily to make it possible to be here. The complete antithesis of what my "dad" is now.

Knowing all of this makes it hard to enjoy myself here. Sure, there are laughs and good times to be had here, but at what cost? I still haven't found a job. Until I do, the monthly deposits come out of my parents' bank at home. The same bank accounts that should be providing for my sister and brother. Desperation is almost palpable in my family and in my life. More help is needed but is not emerging. People fail to mention the financial and emotional struggle of college. Maybe they should come back to reality before considering telling people how fun it is.

It Has Begun

The majority of people don't remember how they met their dad. And it's reasonable that they don't. Obviously it's because they met them and lived with them since before they were conscious of their lives. Not many people can remember when they met their dad. I will never forget. My mommy threw me a graduation party last night and let me know that my biological father, Oliver, would be coming. At first, I didn't know what to think. I was apprehensive with a pinch of frustration, one might say. I was afraid of the very possible awkward situation that may take place. I didn't want to expect anything to come of it, but hoped for something good.
It definitely went better than I could have ever expected. After the initial awkward feeling, everything seemed to flow. I got a chance to see for myself that I do look like him and I feel like I learned a lot in the four, short hours he was here. I look back and can't help but laugh at the "coincidence" of him liking music, skating, and martial arts. I can't even use the word "coincidence" anymore. For me to grow up and find myself involved in music, an interest in skating, and a pull towards martial arts can't be coincidence. I learned that he's an MMA fighter. Freaking awesome. Another "coincidence."
I'm so ridiculously happy with how meeting him turned out. He even went to my last choir concert. That's a really big deal to me. He told me that he wants to build a relationship after yesterday. My mom says I should give him a chance, because he's changed for the better. I applaud the fact that he stuck his neck out to come to my party. He had the courage to come in front of a family that he's known of for years, and some people that he hasn't seen since I was a baby. I have to respect him for that. I told my mom this morning that I felt like I should be cautious, but I don't know how to do that. When I find an admirable trait in somebody, I pursue a friendship with them because of it. She says I should give it a shot and not expect to be disappointed. I'm going to listen to her advice there, and hope that minimal disappointment in my endeavors comes out of it.