Random Thoughts at 1:00 AM

When a person has very little to do at night and possesses the inability to fall asleep at a decent time his mind wanders. My mind wanders. It pokes at the fabric of my being, the reasons to why I am where I am, who and why I am, and who I have become. Answers to these questions can seem simple at first, but then I inherently dig deeper, looking for a better, more detailed explanation. The answers to this series of questions are the result of being alone with no internet, tv, or even books to wrap my mind around.

To start off, why am I where I am physically and mentally? I am currently sitting in Providence Court apartment P204, chilling by my corner desk in the “master bedroom,” while swiveling left and right on my new twenty dollar chair from Wal-Mart. Pretty generic answer. What happens when I dig deeper into my thoughts? Why am I here? Well, to start off, I want to be here. College seemed like the next step in my life after I graduated high school. However, I did not make it easy for myself to be here. After the nightmare that was trying to find money to fund my first year, the second is about to start. Is it selfishness or a greater purpose that drives me to be back in Pullman despite how hard it has been? I suppose. On one hand, it is selfish. I am the bane of my parents’ wallets. The reason for the countless tears shed, the voices lost screaming, and frustration. The grounds for lack of sleep and longer hours spent at work. Did I make it any easier by finding a job during the summer to help fund my seemingly pointless spending? No, I have done nothing but take for the last year. On the other hand, I am working toward a degree. In today’s world, you have to have that piece of paper that says you have learned what you know during college. That piece of paper that takes four to five years of your life to attain serves as a basis for you to be judged on whether or not you qualify for that line of work. By being here and working towards my piece of paper with Old-English font and a few signatures, I am shaping my future and, by definition, being selfish. Do the ends justify the means in this situation? That depends on how I put my resources to work. I cannot just sit idly by and waste my time here like others can. I do not have the luxury of having life be served on a silver platter like others do. I am here for the betterment of my life, even if it seems like I’m destroying others in the process.

When you throw a rock into a body of water it sends ripples throughout the entirety of said body of water. Living a life and making connections with other people creates that ripple effect as well. But the connections you make with each person you meet serve as their own stone cast into the water which, in turn, creates more ripples. To understand who I am I have to consider who I have met and what ripples have come back my way. To find the answer to whom I am I must also take into account why I am. So who is Anthony and why is he the way he is? For the longest time I always characterized myself as a people person. But as I reflect on memories past, I see now that I am very much more introverted. I rarely ever strike up conversations with people I know little about or have no common base. I am terrible with small talk. When I am in a group of people that I am not close to, I am just the quiet, polite one. I will flash a smile your way and throw in my two cents occasionally, but in an unfamiliar setting you may never get a chance to really get to know me. I stick to the comfort that is familiarity. I believe that is the reason why I made very little new connections during my first year of college. My inherent fear of rejection and losing is another reason for a layer of brick I like to keep in my fortress. I encourage people to take chances, to leap in the face of danger, but seldom do I ever jump into something without over-analyzing too many times. I do not care if people disagree with how I carry myself though. It is not my problem if you think me calling something “gay” or “retarded” is offensive. When I talk like that it is usually because I am with people I am comfortable with and we understand that there is no deeper belittlement when using those words to describe something. I would not use that banter in front of a professional. If you think that is shallow or fake of me, consider this; language changes depending on your audience and everybody has different dialects depending on who and how you are talking to somebody.

Hmm…I really got off topic. Look for my thoughts on people being too sensitive in a later post. Now, back to the subject.

I am who I am because of whom I surrounded myself with during life. I established a close-knit group of friends during middle school and we still share the luxury of our dood-ship. The ability to fall back on them whenever I needed to kept me sane. There was never a moment too serious for us. No fight lasted longer than a few days and when it was resolved, it was forgotten. The bond I share with those guys is unbreakable and I cannot wait to see where life takes them. I only hope I get to share in some of those adventures later on.

I did a poor job in trying to stay on subject for this, but what are you going to do, I am not turning this in to a professor to be graded.

A New Start

In my efforts to become a more balanced person, I have decided to expand my writing abilities. Every professional anything; whether it be an athlete, teacher, musician, or author, will tell you that the secret to their success is immeasurable amounts of practice. Constant drilling of a task in order for it to become less mundane and more muscle memory is always a necessity to ascend the ranks of anything in life. I do not know where the spark of inspiration to write more came from. People have told me that I do it well and the subject matter of what I base my works on is very heavy stuff. As great as it is to be recognized a little for it, I have decided that only writing on how unfair everything is and whining is not fair for those who read my thoughts. For that reason, I want to see how varied and diverse my works can get.

I do not know what direction this blog is going. Topics can, and probably will, be very scatter-brained and random and be about my adventures through life, a work of fiction, ramblings, or even about video games. To be honest, I don’t really know how it will go. However, I do know that I will put effort into every piece of writing I start. Rarely will you find an unfinished piece posted. Unless I feel it is powerful enough, you will not read it--unless the subject matter calls for an incomplete product, of course. Musings over life and how to become a better person are usually accepted as ongoing works. The beauty of putting things in writing is that you can look back later in life and measure how far you have progressed.

I will try and have a new post once a week. However, I can make no promises as I have just moved to Pullman and the first semester of my second year of college is about to take off. Between balancing school-work, a job, maintaining a relationship, and a social life, I could be hard-pressed for time. With that, I welcome you…again.

Building Empires

Let's pretend that you're an architect. You're an architect with a ton of money and power. You know what, let's just say that you're a king. A beloved king to all who have adorned you with the title. And you've been building your kingdom for the last number of years. You've treated this kingdom with love, respect and mercy.

But the people you rule over tend to act out. Countless acts of slander and betrayal, secrets and lies, have left a mark over your beloved people of your kingdom. But you're so merciful that you pardon them everytime. Every assassination attempt, every swindled tax payment, every burglary and theft, you have pardoned. Do these deeds anger you? Of course they do, but you are a merciful leader. You over everything. Do you have feelings of anger and retribution towards your people? Do you want to punish every single terrible action of theirs? Do you want to destroy every wrong-doer that rears his head? Yes. Yes you do. You want to make every single person suffer for every single thing that has angered you. Burn all bridges. Show no mercy. Sever all ties to anybody that did you wrong.

At first, it seems like a great idea. Without those to anger you, your reign will be at peace. You could even start over. Start a new, better kingdom complete with that New-Kingdom smell. Yes, that's the solution. What's not to like about it? Everyone would be good again. Revere you, treat the kingdom correctly, pick up their mess and never wrong you. You prepare the fires. You ready yourself for the torrents of wrath. The power to restart is all yours, in the tip of your fingers. With one word, your servants will purge the kingdom in flame and smoke. Your lips begin to form the words necessary to begin, but you lock up.

You begin to think that the suffering you're in now is better than anything that could come from starting over. Hell, even if you do start over, who's to say that people won't revolt? What guarantee is there that leads you to believe it'll solve your problems? There is none. With that realization you call off the destruction. Bridges stay intact. The assassins, bandits and thieves remain unharmed. You walk back to your throne, defeated. A period of good comes over your kingdom. Then in one swift action, everything comes crashing down on you again. A tidal wave of remorse and hatred overcomes your being and yet you do nothing. There is nothing you can do. You thought you allowed your empire to live and thrive but the empire you so much adore is the one in control. It has you by the neck. It strangles you and you know there is a way out. But you don't seek it. Your control is a myth and you are overwhelmed with unknowing.

Your empire continues its cycle between bliss and misery. You believe you can better it, but the fear of the unknown has you in its grips, cackling maliciously.

Hi 2010, Our First Impression Sucks

It's currently 2:44 in the morning and I'm still awake. Everyone else in my house went to sleep at ten because they have a reason to wake up early in the morning. I, however, have nothing important to wake up for or go to sleep for, for the next week. As I reflect on my weekend, I realize I just missed out on what could have been a life-changer and a kick-start to the new year.

For the first time in three-ish years, I didn't go to a church camp. Why didn't I go? Because I didn't want to. I didn't want to be surrounded by a bunch of stuff that apparently makes me uncomfortable now...WHAT?!?!...Where in the last 6 or so months did being around God make me feel uncomfortable? Did it happen as a result of the isolation in Pullman? Or was it the amount of struggle that led up to leaving in August for WSU? I just got done reading Pastor Andrew's current updates for camp. I almost want to cry because of what I know I've just skipped out on. And for what? I've done absolutely nothing important the last four days. I'm almost at the point of repulsion when I reflect on it.

But what am I going to do about this? Forget about it next weekend when I'm back in Pullman, dealing with new classes and classwork? Probably. Crappy thing to say, yes, but it's the sad truth with how I'm living my life now. How do I handle myself now that it's only three of us going back rather than four? Just more isolationism I suppose. Do these revelations bother me? Yes.

I probably missed one of the most important events at this point of my life. An opportunity for me to run back to God was passed up to remain in hiding. Pathetic.

What do I do now? Shut it out...seek someone to talk to for some insta-comfort?...Forget about it...This sucks and I know what has to happen and yet I'm hesitant to act on it. And now that it's out there I'll be getting bombarded with questions. I just want to feel connected and take baby steps again. Here's to you, 2010.

Yours is Not the Plan For You

A few months ago, if you asked me what I wanted to do I'd tell you I want to go to WSU and pursue a collegiate education. Anything short of which would be a complete failure in my eyes and I would be left behind. Fast forward to now and I wish I hadn't been so ignorant. My family is working hard to try and afford this place for me and nothing is working. Everyone talks about how helpful the people at French Administration are, I've seen nothing of them for me to consider them helpful. It's always the same advice from them no matter who I see, "Oh, just apply for a private loan and things will work out." I've got news for you, it doesn't help when you get rejected for everything you apply for. Nothing has worked out. Now I'm looking at being kicked out of my dorm room because we haven't been able to pay for the last month of rent.

IT'S LIKE I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE.

As much as I wanted to be here a few months ago, I'm ready to be done. I've learned nothing from classes. I'm wasting money and time re-learning everything I learned in middle school and high school. Professors aren't helpful. People aren't worth getting to know. The "education" isn't worth twenty-thousand. I've been told that I need to "look at it in the long run." The long-run is nothing but an illusion we try to use to justify the ludicrous spending we do for another four plus years of education. This whole situation that I've put my family in isn't worth it. I've been humbled and reduced to nothing in my time in Pullman. I came here to learn that I'm not supposed to be here. It's clearly evident, as my family and I have taken all the steps necessary for anyone else to afford it. We always fall short. Why don't I just take the hint, pack my stuff up, and stay at home after I finish off the semester? It would be a lot better for everybody. I can stop trying in vain to do something I'm not supposed to be doing.

I don't know where I should be in life right now, but I do know that it's not here. I've accepted it and will have to come to terms with it later. Who knows, maybe Olympia will be my home again by the time the end of the month rolls along.

In Need of More

I feel like I have something to write about but I don't know what it is. I miss the real conversations I had with people back home. If leaving Olympia has done anything to me, it has been challenging my faith. Yes, there are communities here that I can try to link up with. But to try and re-establish a trust and relationship that I forged back at home seems daunting and the potential for failure is immense. I want nothing more than to have a real, deep conversation with the guys I came to know. About what, no idea. But just to be real with somebody would be quite a weight off my shoulders. It's a bit frustrating really.

Act II: The Struggle

At the beginning of the summer I was exposed to a lot of things I was not ready for. I graduated from high school and met my biological father. As I'm sure a lot of people have been told, I was told the same thing: "Everything is going to be different now." Or some other paraphrase of the idea. In my naive nature, I believed that I was ready for it. I developed what I thought to be a pretty decent relationship with the man that contributed to my existence, and lived a fun "last summer" of my life. Time was spent lop-sided to messing around with my friends rather than working and earning money or spending time with my family. It was a good summer. But the light of summer fades annually to the darker, more gloomy autumn.

College is abound nowadays and my lack of finding a job is hurting my family. Most of the costs of attending are coming straight from my parents' pockets. Parents as in my mom and step-dad, whom I have grown accustomed to calling dad. And rightfully so, he was there for me and has developed and nurtured a relationship with me. I'm not just a flavor-of-the-month kid to him. I realize now that the hope for developing a real relationship with my biological father and the expectancy of him helping to provide for a son is unrealistic for him. As much as he said he wants to be a part of my life, he can't. He can't because he's not making the right moves with his life right now. Everything is still just about him, no matter how hard he tried to act otherwise.

The realization seems to have hit my mom pretty hard. All of us were hoping for the best to come out of meeting him and attempting to begin some relationship. She believed that he had changed in the beginning only to be let down again. It hurts, thinking about it. This very moment, tears begin to form. My mom has gone through too much crap in her life to be disappointed again. I cannot even begin to try and comprehend what she is going through. Life has changed drastically since June for us. I'm off at WSU and she's still in Olympia, missing me but working daily to make it possible to be here. The complete antithesis of what my "dad" is now.

Knowing all of this makes it hard to enjoy myself here. Sure, there are laughs and good times to be had here, but at what cost? I still haven't found a job. Until I do, the monthly deposits come out of my parents' bank at home. The same bank accounts that should be providing for my sister and brother. Desperation is almost palpable in my family and in my life. More help is needed but is not emerging. People fail to mention the financial and emotional struggle of college. Maybe they should come back to reality before considering telling people how fun it is.