Yours is Not the Plan For You

A few months ago, if you asked me what I wanted to do I'd tell you I want to go to WSU and pursue a collegiate education. Anything short of which would be a complete failure in my eyes and I would be left behind. Fast forward to now and I wish I hadn't been so ignorant. My family is working hard to try and afford this place for me and nothing is working. Everyone talks about how helpful the people at French Administration are, I've seen nothing of them for me to consider them helpful. It's always the same advice from them no matter who I see, "Oh, just apply for a private loan and things will work out." I've got news for you, it doesn't help when you get rejected for everything you apply for. Nothing has worked out. Now I'm looking at being kicked out of my dorm room because we haven't been able to pay for the last month of rent.

IT'S LIKE I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE.

As much as I wanted to be here a few months ago, I'm ready to be done. I've learned nothing from classes. I'm wasting money and time re-learning everything I learned in middle school and high school. Professors aren't helpful. People aren't worth getting to know. The "education" isn't worth twenty-thousand. I've been told that I need to "look at it in the long run." The long-run is nothing but an illusion we try to use to justify the ludicrous spending we do for another four plus years of education. This whole situation that I've put my family in isn't worth it. I've been humbled and reduced to nothing in my time in Pullman. I came here to learn that I'm not supposed to be here. It's clearly evident, as my family and I have taken all the steps necessary for anyone else to afford it. We always fall short. Why don't I just take the hint, pack my stuff up, and stay at home after I finish off the semester? It would be a lot better for everybody. I can stop trying in vain to do something I'm not supposed to be doing.

I don't know where I should be in life right now, but I do know that it's not here. I've accepted it and will have to come to terms with it later. Who knows, maybe Olympia will be my home again by the time the end of the month rolls along.

In Need of More

I feel like I have something to write about but I don't know what it is. I miss the real conversations I had with people back home. If leaving Olympia has done anything to me, it has been challenging my faith. Yes, there are communities here that I can try to link up with. But to try and re-establish a trust and relationship that I forged back at home seems daunting and the potential for failure is immense. I want nothing more than to have a real, deep conversation with the guys I came to know. About what, no idea. But just to be real with somebody would be quite a weight off my shoulders. It's a bit frustrating really.

Act II: The Struggle

At the beginning of the summer I was exposed to a lot of things I was not ready for. I graduated from high school and met my biological father. As I'm sure a lot of people have been told, I was told the same thing: "Everything is going to be different now." Or some other paraphrase of the idea. In my naive nature, I believed that I was ready for it. I developed what I thought to be a pretty decent relationship with the man that contributed to my existence, and lived a fun "last summer" of my life. Time was spent lop-sided to messing around with my friends rather than working and earning money or spending time with my family. It was a good summer. But the light of summer fades annually to the darker, more gloomy autumn.

College is abound nowadays and my lack of finding a job is hurting my family. Most of the costs of attending are coming straight from my parents' pockets. Parents as in my mom and step-dad, whom I have grown accustomed to calling dad. And rightfully so, he was there for me and has developed and nurtured a relationship with me. I'm not just a flavor-of-the-month kid to him. I realize now that the hope for developing a real relationship with my biological father and the expectancy of him helping to provide for a son is unrealistic for him. As much as he said he wants to be a part of my life, he can't. He can't because he's not making the right moves with his life right now. Everything is still just about him, no matter how hard he tried to act otherwise.

The realization seems to have hit my mom pretty hard. All of us were hoping for the best to come out of meeting him and attempting to begin some relationship. She believed that he had changed in the beginning only to be let down again. It hurts, thinking about it. This very moment, tears begin to form. My mom has gone through too much crap in her life to be disappointed again. I cannot even begin to try and comprehend what she is going through. Life has changed drastically since June for us. I'm off at WSU and she's still in Olympia, missing me but working daily to make it possible to be here. The complete antithesis of what my "dad" is now.

Knowing all of this makes it hard to enjoy myself here. Sure, there are laughs and good times to be had here, but at what cost? I still haven't found a job. Until I do, the monthly deposits come out of my parents' bank at home. The same bank accounts that should be providing for my sister and brother. Desperation is almost palpable in my family and in my life. More help is needed but is not emerging. People fail to mention the financial and emotional struggle of college. Maybe they should come back to reality before considering telling people how fun it is.

It Has Begun

The majority of people don't remember how they met their dad. And it's reasonable that they don't. Obviously it's because they met them and lived with them since before they were conscious of their lives. Not many people can remember when they met their dad. I will never forget. My mommy threw me a graduation party last night and let me know that my biological father, Oliver, would be coming. At first, I didn't know what to think. I was apprehensive with a pinch of frustration, one might say. I was afraid of the very possible awkward situation that may take place. I didn't want to expect anything to come of it, but hoped for something good.
It definitely went better than I could have ever expected. After the initial awkward feeling, everything seemed to flow. I got a chance to see for myself that I do look like him and I feel like I learned a lot in the four, short hours he was here. I look back and can't help but laugh at the "coincidence" of him liking music, skating, and martial arts. I can't even use the word "coincidence" anymore. For me to grow up and find myself involved in music, an interest in skating, and a pull towards martial arts can't be coincidence. I learned that he's an MMA fighter. Freaking awesome. Another "coincidence."
I'm so ridiculously happy with how meeting him turned out. He even went to my last choir concert. That's a really big deal to me. He told me that he wants to build a relationship after yesterday. My mom says I should give him a chance, because he's changed for the better. I applaud the fact that he stuck his neck out to come to my party. He had the courage to come in front of a family that he's known of for years, and some people that he hasn't seen since I was a baby. I have to respect him for that. I told my mom this morning that I felt like I should be cautious, but I don't know how to do that. When I find an admirable trait in somebody, I pursue a friendship with them because of it. She says I should give it a shot and not expect to be disappointed. I'm going to listen to her advice there, and hope that minimal disappointment in my endeavors comes out of it.

Now is the Time to Rebel

Today provided a lot of insight to where I may walk within the next few years. I spent a good five hours just hanging around Pastor Andrew and followed him throughout his day. We ended up going to NCHS where he preached on how you can know Jesus without getting to experience Him and then went back to his office where we ate Panda and do whatever office work necessary. When we got back he checked his inbox in the office and handed me a magazine entitled Ignite Your Faith. Pretty normal if you think about it: Youth Pastor with a student hands the student a little insight in the form of a Christian magazine directed towards students. I took it because, well one, you don't deny something like that from Andrew, and two, it seemed interesting.
When I got home I spent some time looking through it and ran into a graph of Christian music and what they sounded like to their Secular counterparts. I always used to scoff at the idea of Christian Rap. The whole idea was just too hard for me to wrap my mind around. How can rap be "Christian-ized?" All secular rap does is "talk about where they're from, cars, and how many women they've slapped." So how can rap be used for good?
It's funny, I ask these questions and a counter-question arises: Why did Jesus die for sinners? Infinitely greater scale, but again, something we can't, as humans, wrap our meager minds around. But I digress.
I was reading the article and noticed a rapper who was being compared to names of TI, Ludacris, and Kanye in terms of how his music sounded. For some reason, this day it caught my attention and I had to check his stuff out. After hearing 30 second clips on my iTunes, I decided I had to get his CD. His name is Lecrae and if you appreciate the talent of rappers but can't stand the dumbness of the secular music, I recommend you check out this CD. I started listening to the songs on the way to FOS tonight and the first song was phenomenal. I got the album entitled "Rebel" and the first song was appropriately named "Rebel Intro." Basically, the lyrics paint the story that Jesus was a rebel in his time because He did things that went against what everyone conformed to. "He eatin' with sinners/ givin Pharasies ulcers/ He never got married, was broke and plus homeless" is just one of the lines in the song.
It's an awesome little play on words. When I hear the word "rebel" I think of somebody that goes against their parents, usually about a kid who's caught up in the wrong things. Throughout the song, there is a man quoting what seems to be part of a sermon directed towards youth. I would link it but for some reason, the source of the quotes stay hidden in the depths of Google. I'll do my best to bring it justice. Basically the rap ends and the beat goes on and then a man starts saying that the best way to rebel is to read your Bible. He says that the kids that "rebel" from our society to drink, do drugs, steal, and have meaningless sex are conformists. They're conformists because everybody is doing drugs and drinking, et cetera. He goes on to say a real rebel in today's world is a high schooler that dives into the Bible and learning the Word because nobody is doing it. After hearing these words in the car I cracked a smile and was in awe of how true they are. The man says if you really want to be a rebel, you need to read your Bible. That's the only way of being a rebel because it's the only real rebellion left. It's true. And it's worth it. Maybe one day I'll see this world where following God isn't a rebellion, but a natural way of life.

In lieu of that hope I encourage you like this song encouraged me; Read. Join in the revival and rebellion that is Christ. Live off His grace, love and teachings. God bless.

Sheer Frustration

So I successfully put off writing a 3 page paper about what careers are best for me to pursue. I am in constant argument with my mom. School sucks for me right now because I just don't care. I'm at a point in my senior year where I just want things to be over. There's too much crap that I have to be paying attention to and it's all stuff that I don't want to waste time bothering with. My future is solidified in the fact that God is sovereign. Nothing I do to "plan out my future career" is ever going to be put into action if it's not in His plan for me. That's why I don't want to write my Psychology paper on what career is best for me in the time of this economy today. Reality is, the economy can't touch me if I'm doing what I'm called to do. I will only get screwed over be the falling economy if I try to implement things in my life that are not supposed to be in it. I take this mindset into everything I do. Which is why I don't stress out about my future. My plans don't matter. It's all on His time. I wish I could write a quality counter-essay on how all this research is nothing but a rich waste of time. The fields I am interested in are Music Education or Pastoral Leadership. I will be called to serve in one of those fields but in both I will be laden with the responsibility to lead youth to a higher calling. Lead them out of living for themselves and into living for something that matters. Living for someone that can lead you through all peril and hardship. Having faith enough to stand up and say, "No, I have no idea what I will be doing next year. I do not know what He has in store for me but I do know that I will prosper and dwell safely." I don't know how to go about writing that essay. I can't just do it. I don't care how much money I make, as long as I'm doing something to further the Kingdom. I don't care about the economy, God will guide me. In today's world, pastors aren't very wanted. Nobody wants to believe that they are not in control. Nobody wants to believe they have to answer to someone better than themselves. Nobody wants to believe that helping others will come back and help you. No, not karma. A wise man in my life said "I do not believe in karma, I believe in a just God." However, good works don't necessarily equal blessing. Blessing comes when God extends it, not because of what you did, but because of your faith in Him. I wish I had the knowledge to stretch these opinions into a 3-page counter-essay, stating that money and economy does not matter. I do not know how I'm going to finish it by eleven tomorrow morning. But it is written "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." John 14:27

Tithing: More Than Just Money

It's a little bit funny to me; growing in a church you hear a lot of rules, views, and words and you never take the time to apply them to anything except the church. You tend to compartmentalize things. Everything you hear in church stays in your "church" bin while all the other garbage on the five days a week you don't attend church goes into your other bins. I suppose this is my conclusion to what I've done in some degree. Especially when it comes to tithing to the Lord. And I'm not just talking about money. If you grow in church you know that you're to give 10% of your earnings back to God. However, when we hear the word "earnings" most of us only think of solid cash. Up until a few days ago that's how I defined them as well. But after a late breakfast with a couple guys my age who are trying to live for God also, I came to the realization that our earnings span over much more than monetary wages.
Somehow during our conversation about areas of our lives we needed to improve, I was blessed with the wisdom to link tithing to other areas of life. Our time management especially. Tithing in its simplist sense is giving to God. So wouldn't it make sense to give our time to Him too? It's something that's incredibly hard to do though, so I stray away. I definitely can't drop the excuse "I'm too busy." That's definitely not the problem, I have a ton of free time between procrastinating homework. Which I should be doing at this moment but I feel this is important for others to see. But here's the thing, no matter how well I do in school, it won't matter next year if I fall into the pit of sin that's just waiting for me at college. I need to discipline myself to live for God now, while I still have physical accountability with people like Jake, Connor, and Andrew. Tithing time is hard to do because I have a tendency to be lazy. Like sit on the computer for hours playing WoW kind of lazy, when I can crack open the Book and learn His wisdom and teachings.
It's all a practice. I need to practice sitting and reading just like I need to practice stomping K-flips outside on my brand-spankin' new skateboard. I pride myself on going all out in areas of my life that I really feel passionate about. It's convicting because I'm passionate about my pursuit to Him, but I haven't done everything I can.
Lord,
Grant me the discipline and mindset to always make time for You. Help me train myself to always hunger for the Word. Beat my body until it screams for more of your wisdom. Thank you for being incredible.
Amen